Top of the Line
by Editor-Bug
Summary: The Almighty Tallest are holding the first-ever SIR Unit Tourney, and Zim wants nothing more than to emerge victorious. But with Tak competing against him, that'll be no simple task. ONE-SHOT! Read & review if you like! Based on the unfinished episode.


(A/N: Hello, people! That's right, I am covering an unfinished episode. I say as though that's mandatory...I couldn't get this idea out of my head one day, so I had to write it. Hopefully, it pans out. Of course, not a ton is known about this ep, and this is just my version, but I did try to use what official info I found. Now, read on!)

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_"Calling all invaders! Your leaders, the Almighty Tallest, are holding the first ever SIR Unit Tourney! This magnificent competition will not only provide entertainment for the Tallest, but glory for the winning invader! For the victorious SIR will be granted the illustrious title of 'top of the line SIR'! And their master title of 'best invader' by proxy. Each of you should arrive on Planet Arenia in the space of 40 hours, universal standard time! Be sure not to get tripped up in a wormhole! Hurry here with your SIR primed to duke it out! SIR Unit Tourney sponsored by the Irken Armada, a subsidiary of the Control Brains. All non-invaders will be denied entry and charged extra for parking."_

"Quit fiddling with that collar, GIR! You'll break it!"

"It's itchyyy!"

At last, the Voot Cruiser touched down on Arenia, a dry, barren rock of a planet with no inhabitants or architecture to speak of save for the dilapidated colosseum that would host the tournament. Why the Tallest chose such a bland location, Zim didn't know, (really, it was the only one the Control Brains let them use for their stupid idea) but it wouldn't keep him from that "best invader" title. Besides, the colosseum was so, well, _colossal_ that even the Massive could fit within it leaving tons of room to spare, so it was impressive in that regard.

"Ahhh, finally here!" Zim opened the windshield before spotting GIR gnawing his collar again. "NO—! Bad GIR! Spit that out!"

"_Ptoo!_ But it's chewy and tastes like technology!"

"YEEES. Don't you remember what that collar is for?"

"I try not to."

"...it's my ace in the hole! I know from personal experience that putting you in Duty Mode for prolonged amounts of time is NOT a good idea, but if need be, I can send you into 'Ultimate' Duty Mode at the push of this button!" Zim revealed a lanyard around his neck featuring said button.

"Dooodyyy," GIR reached for it.

"DON'T TOUCH!" Zim tucked it back beneath his tunic. "It'll transform you into an invincible force of unrepentant destruction! But doing so might burn the battery, so I can only use it once. I dunno, I didn't test it. That aside, regular, insane you will have to do."

"That's my best me!" GIR hugged himself.

Zim gave him a blank stare. "To the battleground with us."

So, Zim and GIR exited the Voot and entered the colosseum. A few competitors were there at a high-tech gate that glowed green as they passed through it.

When Zim tried to do the same, the gate glowed red and an invisible force blocked him from going further.

"Heh?" He poked the forcefield multiple times. "How the?!"

"Heyyy," Invader Tenn said nervously from behind him. "Didn't you know? Only invaders are allowed in."

"AND?"

"And, uh..." Tenn sidestepped around Zim. "You're sorta...a fast food worker...not a real invader?"

"WHAT?! HOW DARE YOU!" Zim clawed at the gate as she scurried off into the arena. "YOU WOOORM!"

"I was merely stating a fact...!" Tenn called back.

"The nerve of some people!" Zim began heading back down the tunnel. "I have my own mission, my own robot and she has the gall to say I'm not a 'real' invader. When I'm the BEST! ...obviously there's been some programming error here."

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the walking programming error."

"Hm?" Zim was approached by a purple-clad female Irken with squared spiral antennae. "Well, well, well, if it isn't a complete stranger."

"YOU DON'T REMEM—! Ugh...3...2...1."

"Why are you counting backwa—WAIT A SECOND! Y-You're Tak, aren't you?! The Tak who laid waste to my beautiful base! The Tak who tried to steal my mission by hollowing out the Earth and filling it with snacks! The Tak who was bitter towards me for inadvertently crushing her lifelong dream of being an invader!"

"Oh, nooo. That was a different Tak."

"Really? Because I could swear—"

"OF COURSE IT'S ME, MORON! It hasn't even been that long! Just as well, you and that worthless robot of yours haven't changed one bit!"

"Eh..." Zim glanced at GIR, who was scratching his collar with his foot. "This worthless robot and I got the best of you last time, I recall! Why did you even come here? You're still not an invader!"

"No, but I managed to get in contact with the Tallest just after the tourney announcement," Tak recounted. "They were so impressed with MiMi, they granted me temporary invader status. If, well, WHEN I win the competition, it'll be officiated and I'll outrank you."

"Oh." Zim paused at a sudden recollection. "Ohhh, I see! Nice excuse! You're only here chasing after me! To be fair, it's fitting that you'd be obsessed with me, if anyone. But I've made it clear in the past that I have no interest in you!"

"How was I supposed to know you'd show up...?" Tak missed his insinuation. "As much as I hate you, today you're just another obstacle. So don't expect any special treatment. Come, MiMi."

Just then, MiMi stepped out from behind her mistress. She was taller, bulkier, and outfitted with the latest robotic weaponry.

Zim's eyes sparkled. "WOW...I mean! Pshhh! The work of an amateur! I could've done those upgrades on the trip here!"

"Why didn't you?" asked GIR.

"Quiet, GIR, I'm demoralizing her."

"Enough of this." Tak pushed past the duo. "Everyone knows you shouldn't be here, so just slither back to that 'Earth' dump where you belong."

"Oh, yeah?! Well...well, you're DUMB, and—!" Zim would've roasted her further, but he was awestruck by the sight of the descending Massive. He felt the entire planet shake when it landed in the arena.

"My Tallest...! So close and yet so far," He bit his lip. "WAIT, TAK!"

"Oh?" Tak stopped short of the gate. "Whatever do you want, fry cook?"

"I-IIIII might've exaggerated a little with that 'amateur' comment, hahaha," Desperate, Zim forced himself to smile. "So-Someone of your expertise could assist someone of my...unfortunate circumstances with entry if I, uhh, let you hold one—_BOTH_ of my hands for a limited time!"

"..."

"...EHHH?" Zim held out his hands.

"Tempting. But no." At this, Tak and MiMi entered the arena.

Zim's frown returned on his way back out the tunnel. "Dookie! How could Tak refuse such irresistible bait?! She must be even crazier than I thought!"

"I'll hold 'em, Master! They don't bite, right?!"

"Focus, GIR."

The two sat inside the Voot to think of their next move.

"I don't suppose you have any ideas for getting in there, GIR?"

"I have LOTS of ideas!"

"_Good_ ideas?"

"...hee-hee-hee."

"Ourghh…" Zim groaned at the sound of cheering from the colosseum; the Tallest must've been making their grand entrance. "If only there were some w—AGH!"

He was bowled over when something emerged from under his seat.

"Are we here?! Did we miss it?!"

"_Skoodge?!_" Zim rubbed his fresh bruise. "When did—? How did—?! WHY...?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

"Sorry!" Invader Skoodge lifted his SIR unit by the arm. "Couldn't think of a good time to tell you I was down there! I just wanted to be in the tournament, and...!"

"Why didn't you say so?!" Zim grabbed his hand. "You're my ticket inside!"

"WHOA," Skoodge was yanked out of the ship.

"Woo-hoo!" GIR toddled after them. "Skoodge ex machina!"

So, the Irken/SIR quartet made their way to the gate once more.

"Alright, I've seen this type of scanner before! With my PAK properly hooked up to yours, your invader ranking will override my 'invalid' ranking, and it'll read me as an invader!" Zim explained hastily.

"Sounds fake, but ok—AGH, COLD!" Skoodge flinched as Zim reached into his PAK.

"In here somewhere...AHA!" Zim fished a cord out of Skoodge's PAK and plugged it into a socket within his own. "Perfect! Thr-r-rough the gate we go!"

"You're very forward, aren't you?"

He practically shoved the heavier Irken through the glowing green gate, and after ensuring the SIRs followed, he removed Skoodge's cord.

"BLEHH," Zim shuddered. "That better not have any weird, Skoodgey side effects..."

"At least you're in! Good luck to you and all."

"We don't need luck! We have skill and chewy technology on our side!" Zim declared.

"Attention, invaders!" Tallest Red announced through a megaphone. "The games will begin in 15 minutes, we just have a _little_ last-minute preparation to take care of!"

"Faster!" Tallest Purple cracked his whip at the construction drones building the challenge areas. "Make it FASTER! This is fun!"

"Heheheh. In the meantime, make sure your SIR units are—" Red's face fell upon seeing the blight of the empire. "Oh, for crying out loud."

"HELLO~!" Zim waved obliviously.

"...make sure your SIR units are ready for intense competition. We wanna see some...cool stuff. Buy a snow cone or two. 15 minutes." The red-eyed Tallest immediately floated over to his partner. "Zim's here, what should we do?"

"I'unno," Purple continued whipping the drones. "YAH! His SIR's literal garbage, anyhow. It'll be eliminated in the first couple rounds."

"Oh, YEAH...And maybe then, he'll lose morale and give up on being an invader!"

"Yeah, maybe. YAH! And you say I'm not the smart one."

Meanwhile, at the crowded concession stand, Zim was in the process of buying a snow cone. But even that came with frustrations.

"You're honestly taking that PAK link thing to a weird level," Zim remarked to Skoodge. "In other words, QUIT FOLLOWING ME!"

"I just wanted to ask, isn't that Tak?" Skoodge pointed toward the female Irken, who was first in line. "That custodian who destroyed your base and almost filled the earth with snacks that one time?"

"How do you know all that?"

"You don't know everything I know," Skoodge shrugged. "Why's she here?"

"Isn't it obvious?!"

All three Irkens caught sight of each other, and the realization that Zim had weaseled his way in enraged Tak to the point that flames lit in her eyes, liquefying her snow cone.

Skoodge paled. "Oh, she is_ into_ you."

"RIGHT?! But that's her problem!" Zim crossed his arms. "I came to win!"

"Look, Master!" GIR stuck an empty cone from the ground to his rear. "I'm a bee! I like jazz and handing out cereal!"

"This is going to be a long one..."

XXXXXXX15MINUTESLATERXXXXXXX

"Greetings, invaders! And...others." Now seated within a commentary booth, Tallest Purple cleared his throat. "Today, your SIR units will be competing a series of challenges testing their precision, speed, power, and ability to explode things!"

"One SIR will be eliminated after every round of competition, until the final two battle each other," Tallest Red went on. "Of course, the winner of that battle will be 'top of the line SIR' and their master 'best invader'."

"Mweh-heh-heh, and that master will be me..." Zim rubbed his hands together.

"Mwee-hee-hee," GIR copied him.

"First event! The engine toss! Here we have assembled the 2-ton engines of a bunch of outdated Irken ships. SIRs, take an engine and prepare to toss! Whoever throws the wimpiest is out of the tournament!"

"We'll be up here eating and occasionally making quips!"

"Alright, GIR, this should be simple." Zim led GIR to one of the huge engines. "You're pretty strong for your...stature. Toss with all your might!"

GIR saluted. "Yes, my master!"

An unpaid service drone went down the line of SIRs recording the throwing distances, each engine landing anywhere from 500 to 1000 yards away with a satisfying thud. MiMi ended up chucking her engine all the way out of colosseum bounds, eliciting a jealous grumbles from Zim. Penultimately, it was GIR's turn to toss.

"Oh, hi!" GIR hugged the engine. "Wanna be my friend?!"

"Don't hug it, THROW IT!" Zim said urgently.

"Please do," the service drone murmured. "I'm not not getting paid to do nothing here."

"Okayyy, friendly throw. Here goes! WATAH!" GIR's engine landed a pitiful 20 yards away. "Don't forget to wriiite!"

Zim's shoulders slumped. "GIR."

"By a rather wide margin, that was the wimpiest throw so far! With only one SIR left!" Tallest Red said enthusiastically. "Hope you're in the mood for a participation award!"

"We don't have participation awards," replied Purple. "We don't have _any_ awards beyond a vague sense of peer group superiority."

"Hey! Less sassing me, more quipping about them!"

The final SIR in the line-up was Invader Tenn's. It hoisted its engine high over its head, only to be crushed beneath it as its arms suddenly gave out.

The unpaid drone measured it... "0 yards!"

"...huh. Strange." Tallest Purple uttered. "Ah, well. To the loser bench with you! And to the next event with everyone else! You'll have to move the bench if you wanna watch."

With that, the booth sprouted giant mechanical legs and scuttled off.

"YES! NOT LAST!" cheered Zim. "IN YOUR FACE, NON-BELIEVER!"

"My point from earlier still stands..." Tenn solemnly gathered the head and limbs of her SIR.

Sticking his tongue out at her, Zim marched over to the site of the next challenge with everyone else.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Second event! Breaking the targets!" Red began. "There are 33...I think. I didn't count, but anyway, 33 or so targets flying around in this dome! You'll all be shooting at once, so aim well, because everyone but the SIR left without a target will be through to Round 3!"

The invaders filed their SIRs into the transparent dome one by one, but Zim hesitated.

"OOH! This is the perfect opportunity for my secret weapon...! But I must save it for later! No more close calls, GIR! Remember the most important thing about hitting a moving target?"

"Use the L+R triggers?" guessed GIR.

"No! Instead of aiming where it is, aim where it's going to be!"

"HEYYY, you're holding up the line!" the invaders began complaining.

"Will you be_ patient_?!" Zim snapped at them. "Quickly repeat what I told you, GIR."

"The most important thing is to use the D-pad!" GIR gave a lopsided smile.

"JUST GO!"

Once he did so, Zim pressed his worried face against the dome.  
With all the SIRs were inside, and their masters surrounding the enclosure to watch, all that was left to do was wait for the Tallest's starting signal.

"Gimmeee!" Purple wrestled with Red.

"NO!" Tallest Red held his snow cone away. "You should've gotten your own!"

"They were sold out! Quit being a..." The purple-eyed Tallest noticed his subjects' stares. "...this'll be settled later. Ahem! Ready? GO!"

The previously stationary targets began zipping to and fro in the air. The SIRs fired all kinds of lasers at them, but each one uselessly fizzled against the inside of the dome. It was only a few seconds before MiMi locked onto one of the targets, raised her palm, and fired a bright energy beam that shattered it completely.

"The first hit already? That's a new record!" Red observed.

"Is it?" inquired Purple. "Because this is the only tournament we've ever—"

"QUIPS, just make snarky quips!"

On her way to rejoin MiMi, Tak smugly flicked Zim's antenna. He narrowed his eyes, but kept them on GIR, who was admiring the colorful explosives from the other SIRs.

"Ooh, _I_ wanna do some!" A blaster protruded from his head and fired a few times, incapacitating 2 nearby SIRs. "Bullseye!"

"WHOO!" Purple clapped. "That was awesome!"

"YEAH, it was!" Red curbed his excitement. "I mean, Invader Gooch, Invader Sploodge, get to the loser bench!"

"What a rip-off..." grouched the two, gladdening Zim for a mere moment.

"I've gotta blast, shootin' high, shootin' fast!" GIR ducked down and fired through his legs. Somehow, the laser curved and corkscrewed all over the dome, eventually destroying a target.

"ADVANCEMEEENT!" Zim celebrated again.

"Aww, I broke the peppermint," GIR sulked.

But watching the rest of the shoot-out lifted his spirits. Things came down to the wire, 1 target left; Invader Poot's SIR VS Invader Koot's SIR! They both took aim when..._KABOOM!_ Poot's exploded while Koot's hit its mark.

"_Whoa_, looked like a laser jam. Tragic. Cool-looking, but tragic." Red said hastily. "Oh, well. To the loser bench, Poot! To the next event, everyone else!"

"A jam?" Poot picked up her SIR's remains. "How did that even happen?"

Tenn squinted as she sat beside her. "How indeed..."

XXXXXXXMONTAGETIMEXXXXXXX

Now slightly ahead of schedule, the SIRs' competition proceeded with challenges such as weightlifting, obstacle course running, mutant slug wrangling, snack hunting and ribbon twirling. All the while, Tak kept up her confident air and Zim felt his need to use Ultimate Duty Mode fade away. GIR's craziness actually seemed to help him in most cases, and there was always at least one other SIR that performed worse than him...  
Though the Tallest were still praying for Zim's elimination, they had to admit his SIR's carnage was the highlight of the tournament. It definitely provided them with more quip material.

XXXXXXXOKENOUGHMONTAGEXXXXXXX

After 30-ish rounds of competition, they'd reached the semi-final, a 3-way hurdle race between GIR, MiMi and Skoodge's SIR...whatever it was called. The robot trio zoomed down the track, leaping hurdle after hurdle. It was neck, neck and neck! Zim and Skoodge were frantically shouting encouragement, while Tak remained ever composed.

"Almost to the finish line!" The Tallest clutched each other in anticipation. "They're going! They're ALMOST THERE! AND...!"

Suddenly, Skoodge's SIR slowed to a stop, rattled for a second, and fell apart.

"BACON! Gotta get that BACOOON!" GIR pushed ahead of even MiMi and pounced upon Zim, chomping into the bacon he'd been holding up as motivation.

"GOOOAL!" The Tallest nearly collapsed. "DEATH BATTLE TIME, BABY!"

Sighing, Skoodge took his SIR's bits over to Zim. "Alas, poor Chipz. He was so young. So full of juice."

"Boo-hooo," Zim swept bacon crumbs from his tunic. "You'll have time to start repairs on the loser bench...did you say 'Chipz'?"

Before Skoodge could answer, Tallests Red and Purple descended from their booth, flanked by sniveling service drones. The duo motioned for Zim and Tak to step forward, which they immediately did.

"Zim. Zack."

"It's 'Tak'..." murmured Tak.

"Yeah, yeah. You've made it to the death battle part of the tourney," Tallest Red related. "Time for pre-fight trash talk! Make it nasty!"

Tak sneered as a drone held a microphone toward her. "What do I even say to him? I know he's going to lose, you know he's going to lose, I bet even his robot knows he's going to lose. The only one who doesn't know is Zim, but he'll catch up with the rest of us soon enough."

"OH, YEAH?!" Zim snatched the microphone. "WELL, YOU'RE...YOU'RE A—!"

"ALRIGHTY, we're outta time!" Tallest Purple cut in. "Five minutes to death battle, folks! In the meantime, we could use some fancy chairs, because that booth was _stuffy_...where's my whip?"

The finalists retreated to opposite ends of the stadium to prepare.

"That Tak! TAK...! RRRGH!" Zim paced back and forth. "GIR! You better not disappoint me! You better make Tak CRY! You better make her wish she never met me!"

"That last one shouldn't be hard," mumbled Skoodge.

"Hey. Zim?" Invader Tenn poked her head into the tunnel.

"You again?!" Zim snapped. "I don't give a frozen fish stick what you think! All I care about is 1: the Tallest acknowledging me as best invader, and B: crushing Tak in the process, both of which I am THIS close to! Away with you!"

"But I just came to warn—AGH!" Tenn yelped as GIR lifted her over his head.

"Wait, GIR!" Skoodge interjected. "Let's not be so hasty!"

"'Let's' nothing! Just because we linked PAKs doesn't mean you get to give GIR orders!" Zim fumed.

"Oh, how scandalous," muttered Tenn.

"SERVE HER LIKE A SHUTTLECOCK, GIR!"

"OKAY, WAIT!" Tenn easily got back on her feet. "Tak's cheating! She's been sabotaging SIRs before every event!"

"Shocking. By which I mean NOT SHOCKING." Zim said sourly. "As far as the Tallest are concerned, anything cool goes, so I doubt they'd punish her for it. Why even bother telling me? I hope you're not enamored with me too."

"Uhm. No. Even you wouldn't sink as low as Tak has, Zim. If she's this underhanded to her own people, I'd hardly call her worthy of being an invader. And this battle could be to the death! You'd shrug me off at the risk of your SIR being destroyed?"

"Risk?!" Zim scoffed. "You dare suggest that I, Zim, could actually _lose_? To that non-invader Tak?"

"Yup," Tenn said plainly. "Have you seen her SIR? That thing's a _beast_! Anyhow, you should watch out. I'm sure she'll try something tricky during the match, if she hasn't gotten to your SIR already. I'll be rooting for you! Well, rooting against Tak, but you get the idea!"

Skoodge watched her leave before facing Zim. "So..."

"So?"

"So how do you plan to defeat a saboteur with a flawless win record and a SIR unit that outclasses yours in every way? No offense."

"Pshh! I've defeated everyone else, Tak will be no different!" Zim waved dismissively. "And you think that lying snob would help ME? For all I know, which is a lot, Tak sent her here to throw me off! You know she would!"

"She'd even conspire against _you_ to become an invader? If I didn't know better, I'd say she hated you."

"Her lunacy would have you believe it! Huh! But her deceitful efforts will prove in vain! Now step aside! I have a tournament to win!"

GIR yawned. "Then we goin' home?"

"Yes! Don't power down yet, we still have glory to claim!" Zim dragged him toward the battlefield.

Skoodge joined the eliminated invaders on the sidelines as Zim, Tak and their SIRs took their places at opposite ends of the fighting ring, which the Tallest were sitting beside in a pair of those high chairs lifeguards use.

"LOVIN' THIS MEGAPHONE!" began Tallest Red. "Anywho, this is a death battle, or the...'fight until your opponent can fight no more'...battle? But that doesn't sound as cool. Since it's the grand finale, your time to prove yourself as fit masters, your SIRs must act only on your command! Flex them leadership skills!"

"Yeah, yeah, beat the crap out of each other," Tallest Purple rushed out. "GONG! COMMENCE BEATING!"

"Gladly." Deep down, Tak was pleased Zim made it this far. It meant she'd get to decimate him in front of everyone. "Would you care to attack first? You could use the free shot!"

"YOU could use the free shot!" spat Zim. "Because unless I somehow take pity on you, it's the only shot you're going to get!"

"How chivalrous. You'll regret trying to go easy on me."

"YOU'LL regre—"

"FIGHT ALREADY!" Purple interrupted.

"Oh, alright. MiMi, fire the stupid-seeking missiles!" commanded Tak.

"Uh-oh." Zim winced at the flurry of incoming rockets. "GIR, dodge those!"

"Huh, ok." Running clumsily, GIR barely avoided the missiles exploding behind him. "Done!"

"MiMi, plasma cannon!"

MiMi's forearms contorted to form the wide barrel of a blaster. After a few seconds of charging, she fired an lightning-fast ball of electricity.

Again, Zim told GIR to dodge, but he was too busy rubbing his eye. The electric shot to the face knocked him over.

"Oooh, that looked like it hurt!" snickered Red. "Lob another one!"

"Ughh! GIR, get in close so she won't have time to charge her weaponry!" Zim demanded.

"Master, can I have more bacon strips?"

"DO AS I SAY, OR ALL YOUR BACON GOES TO MINIMOOSE!"

"Okayyy," whined GIR.

**_BWOOSH!_**

In the middle of his lazy trot to MiMi, he'd stepped on a landmine, which blew up a portion of the ring beneath him.

"By the way, battlefield's full of traps," Purple clarified. "Just trying to keep things lively!"

"Nice touch," commended Red.

Zim began to sweat. "That does complicate things..."

"For you, maybe. MiMi, scan the battlefield for traps and calculate a safe route to your 'opponent'," ordered Tak. "If Zim wants close combat, he'll get it."

MiMi's eyes glistened as a special scanner revealed every hidden trap to her. She neatly bounded over each one as she zipped towards GIR, winding up a punch.

"Hiii!" was all GIR said before taking that punch. Upon landing, the ground below him sank in.

"Quicksand!" Tallest Purple beamed. "Oooh, I hoped someone would land on that!"

"GIR...!" Zim reached down his collar to hit the Ultimate Duty Mode button. But something stopped him. What if Tak really had messed with it? What if pressing it would make GIR explode or something? ...he wouldn't use it just yet! "You'll have to pull yourself out of there!"

"But I like the sand!" GIR wriggled in it. "It's snug, and deadly!"

However, his merriment was cut short by MiMi yanking him out of the quicksand on Tak's command.

"You're not getting off that easy!" The female Irken looked Zim straight in the eye. "Scissor kick, MiMi!"

_PA-POW!_

Now sporting two dents in his head, GIR tumbled backwards onto another trap that sent a bullet straight to his forehead.

"Yow!" He felt the third dent it'd made. "Heyyy, I've got those squishy baby spots!"

Zim's antennae lowered. "GIR, fly overhead and release your bees!"

"Beeeees!" GIR jetted into the air, only to plop back down before his bees could be released. "Whoops! Fuel's all gone, Master!"

"Oh, Zim, did you forget to wind your tin toy?" Tak taunted.

"He must've filled his tank with oatmeal or something...I mean, NO, SHUT UP! GIR, set off the traps using projectiles!"

"Hmm," GIR nonchalantly dug around in his head compartment for stuff to throw. "No, nooo, I wanna keep that, NO, I need that, that's mah lucky glass boat, no..."

Up in their chairs, the Tallest drummed their fingers impatiently. "Weak."

On the loser bench, Skoodge had his head in his hands. "He's doomed."

"Come on," Tenn clenched her fists. "He's pulled off crazier things."

An invader named Grapa made a face. "Don't tell me you actually want Zim to win. Need I remind you he's not an invader?"

"Neither is Tak!"

"Not being an invader is the least of Zim's problems!" Invader Pesto pointed out. "If a defective disaster like him wins, what does that say about us? Tak might not be much better off, but I'd admit defeat to her a kajillion times before Zim!"

"You sound so prideful, but forget that Tak backstabbed every one of us! At least Zim's gotten here fair and square!"

"Don't bother," Invader Yoogli spoke up before Grapa could argue further. "It ain't worth the migraine. Let's just watch the catastrophe unfold."

"_AHA!_" At last, GIR found something to throw, an Angry Monkey pool floaty! He tugged it from his head and flung it in MiMi's direction; it fluttered harmlessly to the ground.

"HAH!" Zim forced out. "That do anything for you?!"

"..." Tak's amused smirk became an annoyed scowl. "I think I'm through letting you pretend to have dignity. MiMi, crush it."

**_POP!_**

"NOOO!" GIR screamed at the sight of his crumpled floaty in MiMi's grasp. "He was 2 days to retireme-e-ent!"

"Now crush him."

When MiMi lunged towards GIR and he would've avoided her if his leg weren't caught in a spike trap. She unleashed a rapid, vicious barrage of strikes, bruising GIR with hit after hit. While Tak and the Tallest were loving it, Zim and even the spectators wore uneasy expressions. On top of this, MiMi freed GIR from the spikes, relieving him of one leg and swung him around by the other, bashing him against into various traps; acidic paint, mutant slug cocoons and electrified netting, oh my.  
Zim was sure Ultimate Duty Mode could turn the tide of the battle, but after everything Tak had done, he wasn't sure she hadn't sabotaged her biggest threat in the competition! She was insane, not stupid. He tried thinking up a new plan, but felt stuck between a rock and a hard place.

"So, Zim," Tak piped up. "Ready to surrender? Or do you need your robot reduced to ash first?"

"Yesss, bring on the mid-fight trash talk," Red wrung his hands wickedly.

"Tak! You really think this shameful display proves you're invader material?! Or anything, for that matter?!" growled Zim. "You must've forgotten to take your anti-madness medicine!"

"You're one to talk, phony!" Tak shot back. "You've caused more trouble for the empire than all its enemies combined! You're constantly impeded by a single human child! And your 'advanced' SIR unit is nothing but little pieces of garbage mashed into one big piece of garbage!"

"You can stand there fabricating _all_ you want, but none of it could compare to the fact that YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME!" blurted Zim.

"...what?"

"That's right!" Realizing what he'd said, a sadistic grin spread across his face. "The truth has been revealed! Prepare to live out the rest of your days as an undisputed laughingstock!"

The invaders didn't laugh.  
The Tallest didn't laugh.  
GIR didn't laugh.  
The mutant slugs didn't laugh.  
Nobody laughed.

"Are you...JUST HOW DENSE ARE YOU?!" blustered Tak.

"Heh?"

"I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU! I DESPISE YOU! I DESPISE YOU MORE THAN ANYONE EVER DESPISED ANYONE! YOU _FOOL_!"

"Oh, here she goes." Zim rolled his eyes. "Even in public, she can't control her lechery."

"_WHAT?!_"

Circling the battlefield, Tak dashed towards Zim as he slowly backed away.

"Oohoo, he's gonna get it now," mused Purple.

"I should've saved my popcorn from earlier!" added Red.

As MiMi proceeded with her beatdown on GIR, Tak tackled Zim and pinned him to the ground.

"AGH, what are you doing?!" he choked out. "Whatever it is, I don't consent to it...!"

"After everything, EVERYTHING you did, you think I could possibly be infatuated with scum like you?!" screeched Tak. "YYYOU?!"

"Sooo what you're _saying_ is, you're starting to move on. Frankly, it's about time."

"I HAVE NEVER—" She punched him in the jaw. "—LIKED YOU! You obnoxious, delusional, moronic little PEST!"

"Again with the mixed signals!"

Tak shoved his head into the dirt. "RAAAAGHH!"

"See, that was clearly an 'I like you' scream of rage. But Zim has no more patience for your coy games! I would've defeated you sooner, if you hadn't pulled your piggery-jokery on GIR!"

"Don't make me laugh! He's the one SIR I didn't bother messing with!"

"HA! I KNEW...wha?"

"Why would I waste subterfuge on that worthless scrap?! Just look at him! Like I said, you're going to lose!"

"Oh...huh. In that case," Zim pushed the button on his lanyard. "GIR! Ultimate Duty Mode!"

GIR was facedown, twitching on the battlefield when his collar beeped. **"YES...MY...MASTER..."**

He was bathed in a red glow as the power boost took its effect, maxing out every one of his physical stats. When MiMi reached for him, he opened his mouth wide...

_**BWOOOOM**_

From GIR's mouth fired an energy blast that grazed the Massive and demolished a third of the colosseum.

Every spectator was left speechless, including Tak.

"HAHA! That's more like it, GIR!" Zim sat up, knocking her off him, only for her to resume their scuffle a second later.

MiMi was a mere half-second faster than the enormous blast. After she regained her footing, she swung at GIR, but her fist disintegrated upon contact with him. She tried lasers, rifles and beam attacks, but each one bounced off her opponent's seemingly impenetrable shield.

**"I WANT MY BACON,"** GIR snarled as he raised into the sky from the sheer might he was giving off. Lightning arced from his form, cracking the planet below, still unnoticed by the tussling Zim and Tak.

With a ferocious roar, every atom in GIR's body expelled this potent energy, raining explosive destruction down upon everyone and everything in the arena.

**"BACOOOOON!"**

**...**

When the dust cleared, the battlefield was no more, the Tallest had been knocked from their seats, the invaders were lying the splintery remains of the loser bench and Zim and Tak were somehow still throttling each other.

"What the?" Tak gasped. "MiMi!"

"Hey! There's no running from an invader battle!" Zim hissed as she did so. "Ough, my ribs...! HA, Ultimate Duty Mode was a success! Naturally. Now to find my little winning SIR."

"Hey, get up," The purple-eyed Tallest shook his partner. "We gotta decide who won."

"My megaphone's busted, I couldn't care LESS," Tallest Red muffled angrily.

"Well...I could..."

"FINE. Whoever's in fewer pieces wins..."

"I can work with that!" Zim strode over to the sand piles and whistled. "GIR, where are you? Respond at once!"

His antennae perked up at the sound of wheezing, accompanied by a puff of dust.

"GIR!" He reached into the sand for a metal hand and pulled the battered robot out. "Status report!"

"I can't feel my everything!" GIR coughed up his severed leg. "So pretty swell!"

"GIR's in two pieces, my Tallest!"

"Yeah?!" Tak huffed, spotting bright eyes in the sand. "Well, MiMi's…!"

Her jaw dropped when she removed her SIR's head from the dune, and shrapnel, nuts, bolts, etc. spilled out after it.

"...a head. And a million little pieces."

"Huh. I guess Zim, uh..." Purple glanced at Red, who gave a stoic nod. "I guess that means Zim won."

"I...won...? I WOOON!" Zim sprang about 10 feet in the air. "GIR, victory music!"

"Master, he's the winner! Master, he's the winner! HE'STHEWINNER! He's a winny boy, HE WON ONE!" GIR sang brokenly as Zim cartwheeled with triumph.

"Uhn, uhn, uhn, YEAH!" He slid to a stop at the Tallests' feet. "My prize, sirs, I have earned a most glorious pri-i-ize!"

"Yeahhh, hold that thought."  
The Irken leaders retreated to their commentary booth. After about a minute of yelling and strange noises, they returned.  
"Here ya go, champ..."

From behind their backs, they produced 2 colorful toy belts made of cheap plastic.

"OOOH, very high-end!" Zim buckled one around his waist and the smaller one around GIR's. "Wonder what the button's for! I'm gonna press it and find out!"

_"You are top of the line SIR,"_ a bland recording of Red and Purple played.

"I am," GIR said contentedly.

"What an honor!" Zim tried the button on his belt.

_"You are best invader."_

"HA!"

_"You are top of the line SIR."_

"HA!"

_"You are best invader." "You are bes-" "You are best invader." "Yo-" "You are best invader."_

The Tallests facepalmed as Zim giggled like a doofus. They regretted everything.

"I will. NEVER. Take this off. My Tallest."

"Get on outta here!" barked Red.

"YESSIR!" Zim saluted, slinging GIR over his shoulder.

Aside from Tenn and Skoodge, who exchanged shrugs, all the Irkens glared at him as he took his sweet time passing them.

"Hey, wait!" Skoodge hurried out of the wrecked colosseum after him. "YOU'RE MY RIDE...!"

Purple held his hips. "Well, they're gone. WHO WANTS FREE SNOWCONES?!"

"YEAHHH!" the other Irkens clamored.

"TOUGH TAMALES! BACK TO WORK, PEOPLE!"

Cackling amongst themselves, the Tallests and boarded the Massive and promptly took off into the stars.  
So, the rest of the invaders, from Alexovich to Zee trudged their way to the parking lot.  
Tak stayed behind scooping up MiMi's pieces.

"That...ZIM! He was somehow even worse than I remember! Ughhh, to think I would lose to him! 'Ultimate Duty Mode', what a—OW." She wiped her mouth, leaving blood on her glove. "...he legitimately won against me. But _fine_, Zim. We'll see how you fare next time. Speaking of fare...now I'll have to pay extra for parking!"

* * *

(A/N: At long last, it is COMPLETE. As always, hope you liked it and my mind is eased a bit.

Please review, fave, lemme know if you see errors, and check out my profile for more. Would you be interested in me making a sort of sequel at some point? Au revoir!)


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